Getting consent

Feeling confident about being able to get consent before engaging in any kind of sexual activity really matters!

How do I get consent?

What does it look or sound like when someone isn’t consenting? What about when they are? And most importantly, how do you know when to stop?

These are all important questions, especially as people can say “yes” and “no” in lots of different ways.

But getting consent shouldn’t be confusing. It’s actually super simple if you know which of the three actions – Pause, Play, Stop – to take and when.

Pause...

if you’re unclear what your partner is communicating

Before any sexual activity, you should first make sure you’ve got your partner's consent.

You should also always ask permission whenever you want to change the type or level of sexual activity (consent to a kiss isn't consent for anything else!)

Consent can be spoken and given aloud (verbal) or through the physical actions and sounds made by you or your partner (non-verbal).

There are times when it's important to ‘pause’ so that you can:

read your partner’s body language
listen to the words they’re using
talk about whether this is what you both want
decide together if it’s time to ‘stop’ or ‘play'
ask eachother if what you’re doing feels good

Play...

if it’s an active and enthusiastic “yes!”

Before you go ahead and ‘play’, you need to be clear that both you and your partner have given consent. You can make this easier all round by learning how to spot the signs that show your partner wants something as much as you.

Pay close attention to your partner's body language (non-verbal signs):

looking at you, smiling and nodding
appearing relaxed and happy
making enthusiastic sounds or noises
responding to you with their body
directing your hands where to touch them
kissing and touching you back

Listen out for what your partner is saying how they are saying it (verbal signs):

“I like that”
“that feels good”
“do that again”
“can we try…”
“do it this way” or "touch me here"
“I don’t like that, but I like this”
"faster!/slower!"

These signs are clear indicators that show you that your partner is happy with what is happening in the moment and has given their consent. Now it's time to 'play!'

Stop...

if it’s a “no”, “maybe" or even an “I don’t know”

When you’re making out, things can move very quickly. What might start out as a quick fumble can soon lead to full-blown sex in no time at all!

This is why it’s so important that you're able pick up on the signs that means it time to ‘stop!’

Watch your partner's body language (non-verbal signs):

being still, silent or turning away
not making eye contact
shaking, flinching or crying
have a rigid or tense body
asleep, passing out or unresponsive
confused, frozen or frightened facial expression
incoherent or slurred speech
pushing you away or turning away

Listen to what they’re saying (verbal signs) while being aware of what they're not saying:

“no!” or "stop!"
"I'm not sure"
“I’m scared" or "I'm worried"
“not now”
“I feel tired” or "I'm not in the mood"
"F*** off!"
"ouch!" or "that hurts"
"do I have to?"
"I don't like it"

These signs clearly show that your partner wants whatever is happening to stop and haven't given their consent. Whenever you see any of these signs, you must 'stop' straight away.

Why? Because any non-consensual sex/sexual activity is illegal – it’s rape or sexual assault.